Part 1: Meet Leeroy

   When I think of myself, I see a well-dressed, middle-aged husband in a single-serving American home, not unlike yourself. I have two single-serving American kids and a single-serving American wife. I've only cheated on this wife a couple of times, but those women were even worse. More like appetizers, or something.
   That was a long time ago.
   If I were to look in a mirror, I would see the disheveled face of someone who has lost everything except for a slew of ideas. Or perhaps I have lost it because of this slew of ideas. Whatever. I am now completely naked with a full-grown beard, and am camped out in the playground, scaring off the kids. Any minute, a cop could roll up and say, "Sir, please quit flogging your dong in front of these kids." Or, they'll say, "What a sick individual! You disgust me! Get in the car!" These people pretend these kids have never seen a porno, or seen their dad's schlong. They pretend they're growing up in a perfectly average neighborhood with perfectly average parents. They make good grades, or if they don't, they're probably "exceptionally challenged."
   Oh my medium-sized American heart.
   I have nowhere to go, thanks to my decisions. I wanted to "start over." I had "hit rock bottom." So I went to my most basic, and became a nudist. Lived like a dog. I am living like a dog, actually. In fact, I tried to stay at the animal shelter, and the owners were cool with that. So cool. They were cool with that until I started "cleaning myself." That's what they called it, like I'm some kind of dog. I most certainly was not cleaning myself. Regardless, they kicked me out. Maybe I should have tried the strip club ("I am nothing. Save me.").
   But I can't do that. She wouldn't like that. I need to pick up the pieces, and find myself. Clean up, and put myself back together. You know, "put my self back on the market."
   Ugh. I'm getting too young to do this.